Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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