After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
