I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
