We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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