whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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