dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
