come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
