i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
