DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
