apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
