I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
