just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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