Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's blow job season.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
