Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
