Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
