my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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