I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
