Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
