Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
