$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
