yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
