You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
