dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
