Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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