I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
