Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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