help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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