I accidentally had phone sex last night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Randomize
