Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
