walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
