I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
