watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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