Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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