throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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