it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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