Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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