So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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