i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
