you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My balls are so social today.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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