About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
