Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
