I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
