Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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