She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
