I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
