the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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