made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
