i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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