please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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