onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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