I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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